My Journey as a Bipolar Disorder Type II & Breaking the Stigma w/ Infographics for the Bipolar Disorder Spectrum
“Creativity is closely associated with bipolar disorder. This condition is unique. Many famous historical figures and artists have had this... See, you have a gift." -Preeti Shenoy
Art by: https://www.krabonszcz.com/
My Bipolar Disorder Type II Diagnosis Journey So Far:
I still remember the day when I walked into a Psychiatrist’s & Psychotherapist’s office in Tel Aviv because of the mental distress issues I’ve had ever since I was seventeen years of age. The reason it took me so long was partly because of the petrifying state of getting to know and comprehend what was wrong with me & partly because of procrastination for the same reasons. I actually arrived fifteen minutes before the scheduled time only to sit near a park around the psychiatrist’s office & workplace. I was very nervous and just looked around the park in almost a panicked way. Although before walking into his office, I suddenly had calmed myself- and this was due to me looking at an old lady sitting on a bench near me knitting some warm sweater in peace. It made me think that I’m sure throughout the trajectory of life she must have gone through a lot and so maybe even I will make it just fine because life is anyway a balance between the good moments & the bad ones. And it is the good moments that one should live for.
Anyway, I entered my then psychiatrist’s office and sat down on his comfortable sofa as he offered me a warm cup of tea. At this point, I was going through mixed emotions- but not as intense as before in the adjacent park. Then the psychometric analysis began. He asked me several questions based on different and several questionnaires for diagnostical assessment- but first, questions about why I was in his office in the first place accompanied by the symptoms that I’ve noticed and caused problems within my physio-mental psyche. I began by telling him the symptomolgies & history of my life corresponding to the same. It wasn’t that overwhelming because of the welcoming nature of the psychiatrist and his comfortable office- almost like an actual safe space for me to pour all of myself out.
I told him how ever since I was seventeen and maybe even throughout my traumatic childhood I’ve dealt with major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and severe social anxiety and extreme high-highs & low-lows. Then I was given several questionnaires and asked to fill them out honestly- which I did. After several back and forth for almost another hour, he concluded that I was on the Bipolar Disorder Spectrum. And after another evaluation around any physiological conditions- which was Congenital Hypothyroidism (ever since I was a premature child)- he concluded that I definitely had Bipolar Disorder Type II.
After hearing that there was a brief pause of complete silence- my mind was disoriented and bewildered. I was going through an intense state of mixed emotions mostly because of the severity of the life-long incurable mental disorder that I read about in my Psychopathology classes both in High School & in a University Course. I started remembering how much society portrays it via stigmas, stereotypes & calls Bipolar people the ‘crazy ones’ capable of violent behaviour etc.
Soon after the long pause of distressful thoughts intensely emerged, my psychiatrist started speaking again- but this time positively assuring me regarding my diagnosis. I remember sending him an email describing all about myself before the consultation in hopes that he would understand my background quite well before I see him. And while he started reassuring me, he had told me how even if this diagnosis can be difficult to deal with sometimes it’s fairly common across the globe. He proceeded to tell me how ‘brilliantly intellectually’ and ‘artistic’ I was and that this diagnosis doesn’t define me but only actions and creativity that make me does. Listening to him speak was already inducing a sense of calmness within me because at least now I knew what was wrong with my psyche all these years and now I can perhaps get better via a treatment that he would propose.
I remember him saying, “You’re in the same boat as Van Gogh, Mary Shelley and various other artists, writers amongst other creators- so really there is nothing for you to worry about. The medications will not alter your artistic or cognitive capacities which is a common myth- instead, it will make you reach euthymia”
Listening to that was quite reassuring. I got a prescription for Zyprexa for sleep & Olanzapine as an anti-psychotic to diminish my current hypomanic and mixed state. After leaving his office, I went back to the park and started having a severe meltdown. I think because of the diagnosis and a life-long dependence on medications to be in a stable state.
Then came the phase of denial which led to severe continuous cycles of hypomanic and depressive states. I would stay up and be hyperactive and creative without sleep for four to five days and then in a mixed state for a few days- over and over again. I tried to take Zyprexa for sleep which helped me sleep during mixed episodes and Olanzapine whenever I hadn’t slept for three to four to five days properly. Honestly, I hated Olanzapine as an atypical antipsychotic because it would knock me out for almost fourteen plus hours which would lead me to miss most of my zoom classes. So then, I decided to quit medications cold-turkey. I didn’t get any withdrawals because of the short period of time I had used them, and anyway, for sleep, I was using cannabis every day after.
After I left Tel Aviv for home i.e., India- I still continued to not accept my diagnosis and started having even more severe mixed states and hypomanic/depressive episodes. For weeks it was the same case- until I landed in the ER and later ICU due to psychosis caused by a severe hypomanic episode and congenital hypothyroidism medication complications due to high levels of TSH rates. I went through hell in the ICU battling for my life for almost about two days on several medicinal fluids injected in both of my arms continuously. I couldn’t sleep at all for the two days in the ICU and later in the hospital ward. I was just fully drained. I also was in a delirious state on my third day in the in-hospital ward bed wherein I started hallucinating ‘ego-consciousness’ texts around the walls. I remember even asking my mother whether she was also seeing texts on the wall and she just nodded probably because she knew I was in distressful condition. I even thought I had a thirty-minute conversation with my brother whereas, in reality, it was only a three-word exchange. After I got released I was prescribed tons of medications to restore my physiological health with a doctor’s note to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible to get treatment for my Bipolar Disorder Type-II.
It was after this incident, that I started taking my diagnosis seriously because I never want to experience that event ever again in my life because it was the most brutal- almost traumatic even experience. The next day, I got a consultation with my present-day psychiatrist who was and is very supportive of my treatment. I have prescribed Lamotrigine as a mood stabilizer and Seroquel as an anti-psychotic for my treatment from then onwards.
Ever since then, I dived into deep research around the disorder by reading several books, memoirs and watching useful and educational videos and documentaries. And it has helped immensely, as now I can recognise the different states I go through be it hypomania, bipolar depression or euthymia. It was a journey of acceptance, and now I think I’ve finally accepted this diagnosis as just a part of my life- not who I am in totality. I’m taking good care of myself- taking my medications regularly and never missing a dose, frequent psychiatric visitations to keep in check, reading and writing, podcasting and working, exercising (for most parts) and a good skin-care routine and also, having a healthy diet and sleep routine.
So, this has been my journey so far in detail. It’s not always easy, but it can also be fun especially when it comes to boosted intellectual stimulation and creativity. For people reading this or finding this on the virtual cyberspace, I hope this journey of mine helps you to a certain extent.
INFOGRAPHICS FOR BIPOLAR DISORDER SPECTRUM (Sanjana Singh, 2021)
-Sanjana Singh/18.11.2021